Lonley Hearts
by LiL-sPaRkEl-PrInCeSs
Summary: After many un sucsessful attempts to get a girlfriend spongebob and patrick resort to the lonley hearts colum in the local newspaper
1. in the begining

This is my first time writing a fan fiction so please be kind with your reviews.  
  
For weeks Spongebob had been trying to get a girlfriend without success.  
  
For the first time in his sheltered life he was going to a nightclub with his best friend Patrick. Maybe he would find someone there.  
  
Spongebob looked at himself uneasily in his bedroom mirror. He adjusted his bowtie and slipped into his black tailored coat. "Spongebob my man you're looking great!" He reassured him self. He then looked down at his watch. "Oh my god!" seven thirty! He exclaimed. Patrick's been waiting for ten minutes! "Spongebob you are a disgrace to all sponges" He said as he walked hastily out his front door. " Never in my life have I been this late!"  
  
Spongebob rushed down the main road and knocked sharply on Patrick's rock. "Hello?" called Patrick from behind the thick rock wall. "Hey Patrick" called Spongebob. " Ready to go?" "Who is it?" Asked Patrick suspiciously. " It's me Spongebob" "Ok!" Said Patrick happily. Patrick un-peeled himself from his rock and joined Spongebob. Patrick was dressed in his usual Hawaiian print pants but for some reason he looked amazing. "P-Patrick you- "stuttered Spongebob but he was cut off in mid-sentence by Patrick. "I know I washed my pants for the first time in three years they look great don't they?" "Um sure" said Spongebob  
  
So Spongebob and Patrick walked off into the mid-summer night and arrived at the nightclub. The sight in front of Spongebob dazzled him colored lights poles scattered around the floor even cages to dance in. "Wow Patrick look!" Said Spongebob. But Patrick didn't hear as he was too busy looking in the direction of the stage where the strippers performed their daily routine. "Patrick I am ashamed of you that is disgusting!" But Patrick still did not hear as he started to walk over to the stage appearing to be in some sort of trance. " Fine I'll just go over there to that group of ladies" said Spongebob sticking his nose in the air. "Spongebob gulped straightened his bow tie stumbled a bit then walked cautiously over to the group of girls.  
  
So what do you think? Please give me your reviews! 


	2. Second Time Lucky?

Thanks for all your reviews!  
  
Sorry that the last chapter was so hard to read.  
  
Spongebob nervously approached the group of girls. "Um.hello" he said weakly for a second their was silence then an outburst of laughter. "You think that you'd ever get a chance with us?" The prettiest girl said. She was a Whale with long eyelashes covered thickly with mascara. She had highlighted her cheeks with a plum colored blush. The sight of her made Spongebob week at the knees. "Oh uh I'm terribly sorry for that rude interruption ladies". "You better be". Said the ugliest fish Spongebob had ever seen she had enormous protruded eyes and a shapeless potato nose, it also looked like her teeth hadn't been brushed for weeks. Spongebob scampered off into a small musty corner to regain his self-esteem. "What could I have done wrong?" Cried Spongebob. "I did everything perfectly, I know it's this stupid bowtie and this tuxedo I am never ringing mother for fashion tips again!" With that Spongebob searched the crowd for the fat pink starfish called Patrick. Spongebob found Patrick sprawled out on a sofa in the middle of the room where 3 burly lobsters were force-feeding him vodka. "Patrick I am greatly ashamed of you drinking what will the neighbors think? "Lets go Spudhah" Came Patrick's sleepy reply. "My name is not Spudhah it's Spongebob that vodka has gone to your head I'm taking you home!"  
  
At 4am in the morning there was a knock on the side of Patrick's rock. Patrick crawled out to greet his guest. "Patrick I have come to a conclusion we are hopeless if we don't get a girlfriend when we go to the beach today we will have to resort to.The lonely hearts column!" "Ok" Came Patrick's calm reply. Spongebob and Patrick both retired to their bedrooms for what was left of the night.  
  
Spongebob got up feeling slightly groggy from last nights rejection but nevertheless he pulled out his brand new pink frilly bathing suit. "This time in can't go wrong I looked in Sandy's new fashion magazine for the perfect bathing suit, I must say pink complements my yellow skin color". With that Spongebob grabbed his bucket and spade, some sun block and his green beach towel. "Spongebob you are all set." He said to himself. Patrick was already waiting outside his house wearing blue shorts for swimming. "PATRICK you can't wear that!" "Why not?" "Because it wasn't in the fashion magazine like mine was girls go for fashion!" "How do you know?" "Oh enough of this! Lets go." They arrived at Goo Lagoon On a perfect sunny day. They proceeded to walk down the beach and lay their towels down next to some girls. They found the perfect spot and lay down on the hot scorching sand. Spongebob started to build a sand castle but Patrick interrupted him by saying, "Spongebob sand castles are for weenies if you build a sand castle you'll have to got to weenie hut jr beach over there!" Spongebob took Patrick's advice and started to slather sun block over his small, yellow, spongy body. " Want some sun cream Patrick?" "Uh No thanks Spongebob I don't want to look like the adbonible snow man. like you". " Look Patrick one of those girls is looking at me! It must be these togs!" " Why don't you go talk to them". Spongebob then walked hastily ignoring the burning sand. "oh no its those same girls from yesterday!" Spongebob thought inside his head, he walked past them but too late the pretty one with the plum blush threw a bucketful of sand over him. Coughing and spluttering Spongebob made his way back over to Patrick. Meanwhile Patrick had gone in search for a girl himself. He stopped next to a pretty starfish with flowing blond hair; she had large breasts, which were stuffed into a tiny sting bikini. Patrick stopped and stared at the wonderful sight before his eyes. "Yes? What do you want?" Said a pretty voice that sounded like honey. " You" Replied Patrick in his most masculine voice.  
  
I would appreciate your reviews so pleeeeeeeese send me them! Or I will stop writing. 


	3. Packages

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot, Gweneth, and Penelope who haven't yet come into the story.  
  
Please keep your reviews coming I really appreciate them!  
  
"Patrick you sick minded pig! I'm your cousin, don't you remember? We met at the last family reunion!" said the Starfish "Oh.I thought you looked familiar! Well anyway.bye!" The Blond Starfish pulled the brim of her sombrero over her eyes in embarrassment, Patrick walked away, a frown on his face and water in his eyes he retreated back to his multi-colored towel next to Spongebob. "Failure!" Exclaimed Spongebob. "She was my cousin!" Said the pink starfish next to him. "What do you mean Patrick?" "Oh never mind!" Said Patrick sulkily. "Lets go!" They picked up their towels and brushed the sand off themselves and walked back to Spongebob's house where they sat in sorrow. "Patrick we now have to apply for the Lonely Hearts column." Said Spongebob "Nooooooo! Anything but that! Please can we try one more time?" "No Patrick I will not be humiliated anymore!"  
  
The next day Patrick and Spongebob wrote a letter to the newspaper describing their failure in love.  
  
Dear editor  
  
I am a handsome, young, yellow, absorbent, squeezable, sponge who can surprisingly never find any luck in romance. I live in a pineapple under the sea and my name is Spongebob Squarepants. Please consider me for your lonely-hearts column or I fear love will never turn its majestic head my pathetic way. I feel sorry for my self and if when you get this there are tears on my letter it is because I have been crying all over the paper in  
self sorrow.  
  
Spongebob Squarepants.  
  
Dear Editor  
  
I am an over weight pink starfish who never washes his pants and likes to eat tummy button lint. I am cute and cuddly and like to walk around in the  
nude. I am also pathetic and ugly and live under a rock. This is a very short letter because I am so pathetic and dumb I do not know what to write.  
I NEED A GIRLFRIEND NOW!  
  
Patrick Star  
  
Patrick and Spongebob sealed their sorrow in and envelope and posted it to the editor who they hoped would solve their troubles. For three anxious days and nights they sat in their bedrooms and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited until they could wait no more. Spongebob marched to Patrick's rock knocked sharply on his door then let him self in. "PATRICK!?" Spongebob yelled up the stairs "HAVE YOU GOT YOUR LETTER?" " No I haven't looked in my letterbox" Patrick said coming down the stairs.  
  
Patrick and Spongebob went to Patrick's letterbox where they found a big brown paper package. They then proceeded to Spongebob's letterbox where they also found a big brown paper package. They decided not to open them until 4:00 the next day the exact time as they wrote their letters to the Editor. They sat and they sat and played games.of sorts until four o'clock came around. Spongebob started to unpeel his package anxiously not knowing if this was The Letter, Patrick did the same the package was filled with all sorts of letters and more envelopes.  
  
I didn't know what to write for the last bit so sorry if it's a bit boring. But please still keep sending your reviews! 


	4. pathetic

So sorry I haven't updated in so long. I myself think that this attempt to update is pathetic! I'm sort of running out of ideas so I might end the story soon.  
  
Patrick gingerly peeled back the limp edge of the envelope and withdrew a small piece of paper, which read.  
  
Dear Patrick Star, We are very sorry to inform that we have found no matches for your letter/s. This is probably because you are a pathetic piece of crap that has no personality whatsoever and are very off putting to other members of the public. Enclosed is another form, which you may or may not sign due to whether you would like to try again for the Lonely Hearts column.  
  
Yours faithfully Hue Jass Editor and owner of the Lonely Hearts column.  
  
"Spongebob" Patrick murmured. "I don't think they like me! They called me a 'pathetic piece of crap.' He said starting to crack. "There there Patrick if I get more than one response I'll be happy to share with you." "You would do that for me?" "Of course Patrick you're my best friend" With that Spongebob opened his letter praying for a match. He pulled out a letter and read the words printed in purple ink.  
  
Dear Spongebob Squarepants We are very sorry to inform that we have found no matches for your letter/s. This is probably because you are a pathetic piece of crap that has no personality whatsoever and are very off putting to other members of the public. Enclosed is another form, which you may or may not sign due to whether you would like to try again for the Lonely Hearts column.  
  
Yours faithfully Hugh Jass Editor and owner of the Lonely Hearts column.  
  
"WHAT!!??" said Spongebob "they've said the same thing to me as they said to you. I don't believe this!"  
  
"Oh well maybe we'll just have to sign another application form." Said Patrick "And lie about who we really are." Patrick said with a strange fire dancing in his eyes. "For once Patrick you said something smart, we will have to start over." They wrote new letters and sent them off making themselves seem better than they really are.  
  
My name is Spongebob I am a sponge I am an attractive shade of sunshine yellow. I wear a tie shirt and pants and black lace up shoes with polish on hand. I like to write poetry as you can se in my letter and hope that this try at the Lonely Hearts column is better. I may not be much I may be small but please give me a try and I will be lonely no more. "Patrick my letter may not be exactly lying but I'm sure yours is." Said Spongebob snatching the letter hastily from Patrick's hands.  
  
My name is Patrick Star I am a burly pink starfish and I am a life guard everyone likes a lifeguard. I like to surf and I am a successful businessman/ entre peneur. ( I think that's how you spell it!)From selling chocolates. I am very perplexed as to why I haven't yet got a girlfriend. So write back if you are remotely interested.  
  
They put the letters in envelopes and awaited the arrival of replies excitedly as they both stood by their letter boxes day and night.  
  
Ugh I thought that chapter was horrible. 


	5. more news

Thanks for all your reviews but please send more!  
  
Spongebob awoke to a cool dry day (if it can be dry under the sea) in Bikini Bottom. He switched off his bellowing horn and proceeded to pour himself some cereal, when something caught his eye. A small limp envelope was lying at the foot of the steps waiting to be opened. Spongebob stood for a moment wavering slightly. Then dashed forward he could never resist a letter. Tearing it apart like a mad lion the contents fell out onto the flowery floor. He held a letter in front of his face reading what it read  
  
Dear Spongebob Squarepants, Success we have found you a match enclosed is a photo and some information about Gwenneth Squishy your new love match!  
  
Cheers, Hue Jass editor and founder of the lonely hearts column.  
  
"Oh wow!" Spongebob squealed. He timidly withdrew a photo of a beautiful sponge, ("what luck he thought! Another sponge") She was golden brown in color and had piercing green eyes tresses soft red hair fell about her face. She wore a small green top and a pleated mini skirt with small flowery sandals.  
  
Spongebob then withdrew her letter.  
  
Dear Editor, My name is Gwenneth Squishy, (Gwen for short) for years I have been too shy to ask another sponge out on a date. I crave and love romance and friendship but my shyness has shielded me from doing so. I know that a love match will bring out my inner being and stop myself from holding back. I would be very grateful if you can find me a special sponge.  
  
Yours faithfully Gwenneth Squishy.  
  
"SPONGEBOB!" Called Patrick from behind Spongebob's door. "I found a match!"  
  
Spongebob opened the door. "Wow that's great news Patrick me too!"  
  
"She's called Penelope!" Said Patrick proudly.  
  
So what do you think please send your reviews! I should be able to update soon. 


	6. Gwen

Please send your reviews! I haven't been getting many lately.  
  
A knock at the door startled the yellow square. "Oh my gosh! She's here!" Spongebob opened door to reveal a beautiful sponge behind it.  
  
"Hello I'm Gwenneth you must be Spongebob, I must say I didn't imagine you to be quite like this." She said earnestly.  
  
"Come inside, please! Don't catch a chill!" Spongebob replied ignoring her comment.  
  
"What an interesting house I like your floor. It matches my shoes!"  
  
"It does! Would you like a cup of tea?" Spongebob replied trying to make small talk, which was very easy to do around such an interesting person.  
  
"Chamomile please. So what do you do for a job?" Gwenneth asked following him like a puppy into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh ah," said Spongebob nervously. "I'm a cashier." He finished; averting his eyes. Gwenneth laughed politely. "No seriously, you're so funny! A cashier!"  
  
"I am serious." He said flatly.  
  
"Oh" was all she could say for a reply.  
  
"Careful it's very hot." Spongebob murmured handing her the steaming cup.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Please sit down!" Offered Spongebob. Gwenneth sat down lightly upon a soft purple sofa curling her toes underneath the cushion. "Spongebob? Will you make me a poem?" asked Gwenneth.  
  
"Uh sure." Said Spongebob. "Oh no what am I going to do I cant make up a poem on the spot!" He thought but nevertheless he proceeded stuttering slightly.  
  
"Oh Gwenneth is your name though some people will call you Gwen! Ah, With red tresses flowing from left to right around your face I will make sure that you are never defaced Um, Your shoes so fine They match my carpet divine And your green eyes I could stare at all day."  
  
"Oh Spongebob! That was so romantic!" Gwenneth melted and knew instantly that she was in love with Spongebob Squarepants.  
  
Next time I'll tell you about Patrick pleeeeeeeease review! 


	7. Patrick and Penelope

Please keep sending your reviews.  
  
Spongebob awoke his purple duvet covered the front of his yellow sponge. He turned over in his bed expecting to see green eyes looking back at him. There was no trace of the beautiful sponge except a wisp of hair that lay across the pillow. Spongebob sat up in bed looking around the room Sitting on the windowsill was Gwen with the sheet wrapped modestly around her form. She looked up with a smile upon her face she walked slowly across the floor and perched herself on the end of the bed whispering three magical words in Spongebob's ear "I love you."  
  
Spongebob felt weak at the knees and threw himself onto the pillow behind himself.  
  
"I love you too," He said lifting a heavy weight off his heart.  
  
Meanwhile Patrick was in the middle of an interesting conversation with Penelope. They were talking about their life before they met each other. Although Patrick wasn't making any sense Penelope only had one thing on her mind, kissing him.  
  
She launched her self forward taking hold of his shoulder with her slim hands. Pulling him towards her she pressed her moist lips upon his. And gently kissed him. Patrick felt her soft lips press his. This was the most wonderful felling to him. The only thing Patrick did wrong was forget to breathe. He pulled away gasping for air like a beached fish.  
  
Ok that chapter was kind of dodgy but I might write worse things in the future. So Patrick and Spongebob don't seem as innocent. 


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